I was sitting in Starbucks when these feelings and thoughts overwhelmed me. The need to be contented. The need to be healthy and fit (yes. Lose weight too.). The need to be Okay. Everything. I mean, I'm okay but not really. There are things I need to do but don't know where to start. Ugh! I am as confused as you are with my own feelings.
What triggered these thoughts? Well, that typical love problems. Haha. Well, its time I introduce you to my fucked up feelings.
There's this guy, a childhood crush (or dream). He's the cutest kid in town and even at my age, probably 8 (I was in 3rd grade then), I knew I will love him and yes, I did. I REALLY did. And we flirted until he disappeared for a few months or a year. I don't really remember. But when he came back, we (again) flirted (it's weird to think about it now bcos we were freakin' young). We never got into a relationship that time though.
To make the story short, he was the love of my life and after the long wait, in May 11, 2007, we became a couple. Nothing can explain the happiness I felt then. I was HAPPY (intense). I tried my best to make him happy but I was a nagger and shit. I get jealous about everything and he makes efforts to ease my thoughts, in all fairness to him. (Btw, he's not my first boyfriend but he's IT for me.)
We were good until we were back to school. Shit happened and me being the insecure girl that I am, got overboard and he might or might not have gotten tired of my nagging. I though he was still in love with his ex so I didn't really trust him. Finally, before my 18th birthday,we broke up and after a few months, we got back together and then he disappeared. I did my best to reach out through text that night bcoz thats all I can do. Then, HE BROKE IT OFF by saying "Leave me alone. I'm happy with my life." It was HARD. Knowing that I had to let him go, HURTS like nothing else. I cried so much.
So after the pain, came anger. I did my best to avoid him, he did too. After a year of not talking even if we often see each other in the church, I came across the news that he's taking the same course I am taking (college degree). Welp, that didn't help either because my friends knew he was my ex and that he has broken my heart. The fact that we planned for him to follow me in college, and he did even if we've called it quits, messed in my head. I tried like a freak to move on but I didn't. At all. I was still so IN LOVE with him. He had girlfriends here and there and one night, he asked me if we could be together again, it has taken everything in me to say no. God, I knew he would only hurt me and I had to protect myself. So, I stood my grounds and said NO.
However, my stupidity has taken me to somewhere dark. I had him as my fucking buddy. Well, for him it was fucking but I'm afraid it was more for me. It didn't end even if he has a long time gf already. He doesn't take no for an answer and I can't say no to him because I needed to be close to him and its the only way.
I might have gotten tired that after I graduated from college and he still had a few years left, I packed my bag and worked somewhere away from him. I missed him terribly and when I go home to visit, we see each other and do things we shouldn't be doing.
He was in a relationship and so was I. (I'm sorry).
Just last year, I cracked and told him that I still love him even after knowing that he loved his new gf so much. He said something along the lines of "we're not meant for each other". I acted ok but I really wasn't. All the pain came back and I had to hide it from him. I had so many questions but I didn't ask 'coz I was to afraid to know the answer and of course, I don't want to make a fool out of myself too much. His rejection was enough.
Huh! After that long throwback, I have came to acceptance. Yes, after 8yrs, I think I'm done. I hope so because I am in a serious relationship.
He recently posted quiet a lot of his and his gf's pics on Facebook and he seemed happy. I know he's happy and for some odd reasons, I feel like I'm happy and proud of him and I want to tell him this:
Hi Chubz,
I know you won't be able to read this but whatever. Lol. I just want to let you know that I'm okay now. After so long, I have finally met acceptance. I still have my what-ifs but I'm good and I am happy for you. I am actually proud of the man that you have become.
I am thankful for everything you have given me. Yes, even the pain. I have learned so much. I learned that when you love someone, you learn to put their happiness first before yours. I hope I made you happy and I am truly sorry for being crazy. I should have done things to make things right.
I hated you for a long time but I never acted like it because I was hoping that you'll realize that I was IT for you. That we are for each other until you told me last November 2014 that we're not. That was the deal breaker for me.
I cried while you were sleeping. I held your hands and whispered sweet nothings which you didn't really hear bcos you were fast asleep.
I also want you to know that I will never forget you. I have our happy moments tucked in the most hidden part of me. I have forgotten the bad times and only have the happy times stored.
I'm sorry. For everything. For not being enough. For nagging you all the time. For being insecure and taking the toll on you.
You are my ONE THAT GOT AWAY. I love you so much to FINALLY let you be happy.
I have all this questions in mind but I have come to realize that the answers aren't necessary anymore. It won't change anything. You have forgotten about me and so I should do the same.
You left me to mend my broken heart. You left me shattered. You did a lot of things to me but know that I forgive you even without you asking for it. :)
You are finally happy and I hope, contented. Please keep it up because you are with a keeper. She loves you. She can definitely love you the way I want you to be loved because you deserve it.
I want you to know that you were once the reason I wake up happy every single day. You were my first and last thought of everyday. I was happy with you and I sure hope you were, too.
I'm already rambling and I am sorry but I had to let it all out before I finally close our chapter. I know I've said these quiet a few times already but I hope this is really it is because loving you from a far is tiring and exhausting. I'm gonna have to give all the attention to my current relationship. I love him too and I know he loves me more. I have done so much to be undeserving of him but I am making it right from here and out because he deserves that.
Again, THANK YOU CHUBZ for the best memories I ever had. I will treasure our memories as long as I can. I hope you the best and I LOVE YOU but GOODBYE. :)
Always,
CHUBBY CHERRY.
xoxo
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